7.29.2006
BOB SAGET!!
I watched The Aristocrats again last night. If you haven't seen it, you should, because honestly what's funnier than shitting in your daughter's mouth while her brother fucks her in the ass?
My favorite part is Bob Saget telling the joke.
As I was watching it, I realized I just don't have enough Saget in my life. Growing up, Full House was my favorite show for at least 5 years (yes, I know it's not really funny). And I thought America's Funniest Home Videos was the funniest shit in the world (I was like 11, give me a break.)
Saget has had a bunch of cameos post-Full House, including ones in Half Baked, Entourage, and, of course, The Aristocrats. Each of these has reached "classic" status in the world of ciggity. But, everytime I see these, I yearn for more Saget. He truly is a god.
So I spent the morning surfing for Saget. I found a couple good stand-up bits, but sadly there really isn't much out there. Looks like I'll just have to catch him at the Laffstop next time he comes through. I did find out that he's putting together this new movie called Farce of the Penguins. Apparently, it's a movie about penguins doing it, sort of a spoof of March of the Penguins. Looks like it should be funny.
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7.27.2006
Fashion Alert: Skulls out, Clavicles in!
Might as well postpone that grave robbing trip you were about to make, because you dont need the skulls anymore. The New York Times is reporting that skulls are still useful for holding brains, but as a fashion statement? That pirate ship has sailed. Maybe I'm not the most fashion conscious person in the world, but other than my dog's skull-and-crossbones hoodie (it's fucking adorable), I seem to have missed this fad. According to the article, Ralph Lauren had a store that only sold skull-fashion (including cuff links, which are strictly "conversational"). Also, the rise of the skull in the fashion world correlated with the rise of Hot Topic in the 15 year-old world. This verifies what we all already knew: that Hot Topic was run by Satan and his skeleton minions...
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7.26.2006
I wanna be like Mike
So, I was just watching Legendary Nights: The Tale of Tyson-Douglas on HBO. I definitely hadn’t seen that shit since around the time it happened.
I just remember being like 8 years old and knowing nothing about boxing EXCEPT Mike Tyson. He was the only boxer anyone had to know. The dood just walked into the ring and knocked everyone the fuck out.
But the real reason we will never forget Iron Mike, is because his foot is embedded in the collective ass of an entire generation of kids. Kids who will always associate Mike Tyson with Glass Joe and the repetitive interlude of a fat guy on a bike.
As we all know, Mike got his ass kicked and never recovered. Next thing you know he’s munching on ear (pretending it was children) and serving time for getting a bad tattoo.
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...And in the end, the Fogals were Fogaled.
If you haven't been watching the new reality game show Treasure Hunters on NBC, allow me to enlighten you. The show is basically The Amazing Race meets the movie National Treasure, although instead of the Knights of Templar we have teams of 3 representing all important sects of life (the rednecks, the military, the models, the dorky kids.) But best of all is the wacky religious threesome of terror, otherwise known as the Fogals. Dad is a priest, mom is a wacko, and daughter is an eleven year old trapped in the body of a 25 year old. All she is good for is bitching, and complaining, and falling. They love to pray, find strength in Christ, lie, cheat, backstab to get the lead, and thank Jesus for not making them feel guilty. They're horrible people really, only team that likes them is Team Air Force, and thats because they left their personalities back in basic training. Well, this past Monday, karma was indeed a bitch because the fucking Fogals got Fogaled, and I'm damn happy about that.
Other thoughts on that wonderful land of Reality:
- Real World/Road Rules challenge this time around is Old People vs. People you've never heard of. MTV brought 12 virigins to this orgy of debauchery (known as the RWRRC to fashionable people), and boy do they wish they weren't there. Most interesting development as of now: Coral's knee cap is lost in her breasts, and her partner Evan has a sports hernia that is now bleeding internally. They are both intent on continuing the show, even though they can barely walk. For a moment this season, Coral was likeable... Now she is full on Turdis McGurdis again. What a collection of assholes.
- Project Runway: Next week we get to find out who got kicked off the show... Early reports are that it's Keith, for copying designs from other designers for his portfolio. The preview for the episode though has Kayne and Robert arguing about rules and whatnot. More to come on this next week... And if you need a good cry, here's some more Malan for fuel. If he wasn't so depressing, hed make a great bond villian.
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7.25.2006
Meat...It's whats for breakfast.
I had one of those mornings today where I woke up and was so fucking hungry, I was about ready to polish off that 4 day old cheesesteak in my fridge for breakfast. Then I started thinking about a sausage, egg and cheese biscuit from Wawa. 
Then I started thinking about how that might not mesh well with the pork roll and cheese I had late last night... Then (and here's the important part) I started thinking about what my favorite breakfast meat is. Seems like a simple question, seeing as by my count there are really only 9 breakfast meats. But they're all so damn good! After some deep thought, consultation with the Gapermaker, and a lot of meat, I think I've made up my mind. In reverse order:
#9 - Turkey Bacon - OK this was actually a test of how closely you're paying attention. Turkey bacon isn't a meat, it's a farce. Gapermaker's comment? "That shit don't count."
#8 - Ham - Ham is good, don't get me wrong. Nothing beats a finely glazed ham on Christmas, Easter, some sort of formal event. But for breakfast? I do not like my eggs with ham. Ham is strictly a dinner item in my book, although I can see how it could be good. Everything on this list is a viable option (well except turkey bacon.)
#7 - Scrapple - If you don't know what scrapple is, now you know. I'm from Philly, so I'm well versed in the scrapple. My mom took her scrapple buried under a think layer of Aunt Jemima's finest. Scrapple tastes just like it smells; delicious! The problem with scrapple is that it's so damn disgusting. I mean someone starts talking shit on a hot dog for being pig guts and such, you don't care. But start talking like that about scrapple, and you really begin to question what you're eating. Only for the mentally strong.
#6 - Sausage (patty) - We'll let the Gapermaker take this one: "Since it's sausage, of course it's good. But the fact is that were dealing with silver-dollar-size pieces of meat that are often too salty, tough to cut, and are so big that they take over the plate, preventing you from enjoying an otherwise delicious breakfast. Other than that, it's great!" He'll be here all week...
#5 - Canadian Bacon - Our first spotting of the B word... I consider Canadian Bacon the more utilitarian of the bacons. The typical circular slice is very convenient for breakfast sandwiches, eggs benedict, or any stack of food that you want to liven up. But in the end it's simply just a poor excuse for nondenominational Bacon. Only north-of-the-border bacon that I partake in is Mo Pete's trillest.
#4 - Steak - I don't eat steak and eggs that often, but it still makes #4 on the list. Why? First off, we could do a whole other column on the tastiness of steak, I don't think we have to argue the merits of a NY Strip. But steak for breakfast... it's decadent. It's like when you get a mimosa at brunch. Yeah there's too much juice, yeah its like 2 bucks, yeah it's mostly a cheap excuse to drink in the morning, but your drinking fucking champagne for breakfast. It's ballin. Same with steak for breakfast. You just lost 500 bones in the casino, roll into the one diner-esque place, buy the 5.99 steak and eggs, you might as well have won 10 grand.
#3 - Sausage (links) - Sausage, as it was meant to be served. Works great on the plate (what other side doesn't have to sit on top of the pancakes?) Tastes great plain, works well with syrup, fantastic chopped up in omelets, and from Jimmy Dean up to butcher fresh, the varieties are endless. Sausage is worthy of the top three.
#2 - Pork Roll - Another nor'easter, Pork Roll is some badass meat. Tastes like bacon, looks like ham, curls up a little when cooked so you can use it as an edible utensil to eat eggs with (don't knock it unless you've tried it!) I prefer Taylor Pork Roll personally. The mystery meat factor is not enough to scare, more like just enough to intrigue. Bottom line, Pork roll is the best alternative to our winner if you want something with similar quality of taste yet completely different eating experience. But if you want the best, you want that great fucking breakfast that will put you right back to sleep, make you happy you didn't eat that old cheesesteak at 4 in the morning, you go right for the king....
#1 - Bacon - There is no denying Bacon's supremecy. Everyone loves Bacon. Even vegetarians love bacon (most will openly admit to this.) I once tried to eat a whole package of bacon. It was glorious. If bacon could talk, it would refer to itself in the third person. "Bacon is the greatest! Bacon is the tastiest! Bacon gave Sausage Patty a strawberry shortcake last night!" Long live the king, cause lord knows the rest of us won't.
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Then I started thinking about how that might not mesh well with the pork roll and cheese I had late last night... Then (and here's the important part) I started thinking about what my favorite breakfast meat is. Seems like a simple question, seeing as by my count there are really only 9 breakfast meats. But they're all so damn good! After some deep thought, consultation with the Gapermaker, and a lot of meat, I think I've made up my mind. In reverse order:#9 - Turkey Bacon - OK this was actually a test of how closely you're paying attention. Turkey bacon isn't a meat, it's a farce. Gapermaker's comment? "That shit don't count."
#8 - Ham - Ham is good, don't get me wrong. Nothing beats a finely glazed ham on Christmas, Easter, some sort of formal event. But for breakfast? I do not like my eggs with ham. Ham is strictly a dinner item in my book, although I can see how it could be good. Everything on this list is a viable option (well except turkey bacon.)
#7 - Scrapple - If you don't know what scrapple is, now you know. I'm from Philly, so I'm well versed in the scrapple. My mom took her scrapple buried under a think layer of Aunt Jemima's finest. Scrapple tastes just like it smells; delicious! The problem with scrapple is that it's so damn disgusting. I mean someone starts talking shit on a hot dog for being pig guts and such, you don't care. But start talking like that about scrapple, and you really begin to question what you're eating. Only for the mentally strong.
#6 - Sausage (patty) - We'll let the Gapermaker take this one: "Since it's sausage, of course it's good. But the fact is that were dealing with silver-dollar-size pieces of meat that are often too salty, tough to cut, and are so big that they take over the plate, preventing you from enjoying an otherwise delicious breakfast. Other than that, it's great!" He'll be here all week...
#5 - Canadian Bacon - Our first spotting of the B word... I consider Canadian Bacon the more utilitarian of the bacons. The typical circular slice is very convenient for breakfast sandwiches, eggs benedict, or any stack of food that you want to liven up. But in the end it's simply just a poor excuse for nondenominational Bacon. Only north-of-the-border bacon that I partake in is Mo Pete's trillest.
#4 - Steak - I don't eat steak and eggs that often, but it still makes #4 on the list. Why? First off, we could do a whole other column on the tastiness of steak, I don't think we have to argue the merits of a NY Strip. But steak for breakfast... it's decadent. It's like when you get a mimosa at brunch. Yeah there's too much juice, yeah its like 2 bucks, yeah it's mostly a cheap excuse to drink in the morning, but your drinking fucking champagne for breakfast. It's ballin. Same with steak for breakfast. You just lost 500 bones in the casino, roll into the one diner-esque place, buy the 5.99 steak and eggs, you might as well have won 10 grand.
#3 - Sausage (links) - Sausage, as it was meant to be served. Works great on the plate (what other side doesn't have to sit on top of the pancakes?) Tastes great plain, works well with syrup, fantastic chopped up in omelets, and from Jimmy Dean up to butcher fresh, the varieties are endless. Sausage is worthy of the top three.
#2 - Pork Roll - Another nor'easter, Pork Roll is some badass meat. Tastes like bacon, looks like ham, curls up a little when cooked so you can use it as an edible utensil to eat eggs with (don't knock it unless you've tried it!) I prefer Taylor Pork Roll personally. The mystery meat factor is not enough to scare, more like just enough to intrigue. Bottom line, Pork roll is the best alternative to our winner if you want something with similar quality of taste yet completely different eating experience. But if you want the best, you want that great fucking breakfast that will put you right back to sleep, make you happy you didn't eat that old cheesesteak at 4 in the morning, you go right for the king....
#1 - Bacon - There is no denying Bacon's supremecy. Everyone loves Bacon. Even vegetarians love bacon (most will openly admit to this.) I once tried to eat a whole package of bacon. It was glorious. If bacon could talk, it would refer to itself in the third person. "Bacon is the greatest! Bacon is the tastiest! Bacon gave Sausage Patty a strawberry shortcake last night!" Long live the king, cause lord knows the rest of us won't.
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Cowabunga Unicron!
I'm glad that I was born when I was. The '80s were a great time to be a kid and be watching lots of cartoons. Thundercats, Voltron, G.I. Joe, He-Man, Snorkels, hell even the Gummy Bears were the hotness. Two cartoons in particular are being remade into movies in the coming year, and I'm so exCited.
First off, we got the Transformers remake. I mean, it's fucking Transformers!!! What's not to love: best good-guy leader of any cartoon - Optimus Prime, no doubt; the toys had holograms on them, which was way cool for like 1984; the Megatron toy turned into a gun, making it at least 3 games in 1; and finally the original Transformers movie. Orson Welles was the voice of Unicron, the transforming-planet that ate other planets. I mean, we are talking about the Citizen Kane of animated movies. If you haven't seen this movie, do so now. Personally, I think the original stands the test of time, but now it's time to try live action Transformers. I'm concerned by the trailer though, because Mars had nothing to do with the Transformers (brush up on history here.) The Transformers were dormant on Earth for 4 million years and then lived on Earth and on Cybotron, their old home planet that became uninhabitable.
So I don't see where Mars fits in... I also think this trailer makes all the Transformers looks evil, which is obviously not the case (see Witwicky Family.) But I'm still excited, especially if this is a preview of whats to come...
The other cartoon-remake-movie is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, due out March 30, 2007, and it looks amazing. When I was 9, I wanted to be Michaelangelo, mainly so I had an excuse to play with nunchuks and eat weird pizza (Fluff and peanutbutter is some tasty pizza). Three live action TMNT movies were made previously (2 of which starred Surreal Life's Corey Feldman as Donatello), but this one is animated, which I think is awesome. If you haven't seen the TMNT comic series that the cartoon was based on, check it out at the link. These comics are awesome; the art is fantastic, and the story, while still humorous, is much darker and more violent. When I saw the trailer I recognized the art work, and sure enough the writers of the original comic, Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird, wrote this movie... Nuff said.
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First off, we got the Transformers remake. I mean, it's fucking Transformers!!! What's not to love: best good-guy leader of any cartoon - Optimus Prime, no doubt; the toys had holograms on them, which was way cool for like 1984; the Megatron toy turned into a gun, making it at least 3 games in 1; and finally the original Transformers movie. Orson Welles was the voice of Unicron, the transforming-planet that ate other planets. I mean, we are talking about the Citizen Kane of animated movies. If you haven't seen this movie, do so now. Personally, I think the original stands the test of time, but now it's time to try live action Transformers. I'm concerned by the trailer though, because Mars had nothing to do with the Transformers (brush up on history here.) The Transformers were dormant on Earth for 4 million years and then lived on Earth and on Cybotron, their old home planet that became uninhabitable.
So I don't see where Mars fits in... I also think this trailer makes all the Transformers looks evil, which is obviously not the case (see Witwicky Family.) But I'm still excited, especially if this is a preview of whats to come...The other cartoon-remake-movie is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, due out March 30, 2007, and it looks amazing. When I was 9, I wanted to be Michaelangelo, mainly so I had an excuse to play with nunchuks and eat weird pizza (Fluff and peanutbutter is some tasty pizza). Three live action TMNT movies were made previously (2 of which starred Surreal Life's Corey Feldman as Donatello), but this one is animated, which I think is awesome. If you haven't seen the TMNT comic series that the cartoon was based on, check it out at the link. These comics are awesome; the art is fantastic, and the story, while still humorous, is much darker and more violent. When I saw the trailer I recognized the art work, and sure enough the writers of the original comic, Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird, wrote this movie... Nuff said.
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