7.25.2006
Meat...It's whats for breakfast.
I had one of those mornings today where I woke up and was so fucking hungry, I was about ready to polish off that 4 day old cheesesteak in my fridge for breakfast. Then I started thinking about a sausage, egg and cheese biscuit from Wawa. 
Then I started thinking about how that might not mesh well with the pork roll and cheese I had late last night... Then (and here's the important part) I started thinking about what my favorite breakfast meat is. Seems like a simple question, seeing as by my count there are really only 9 breakfast meats. But they're all so damn good! After some deep thought, consultation with the Gapermaker, and a lot of meat, I think I've made up my mind. In reverse order:
#9 - Turkey Bacon - OK this was actually a test of how closely you're paying attention. Turkey bacon isn't a meat, it's a farce. Gapermaker's comment? "That shit don't count."
#8 - Ham - Ham is good, don't get me wrong. Nothing beats a finely glazed ham on Christmas, Easter, some sort of formal event. But for breakfast? I do not like my eggs with ham. Ham is strictly a dinner item in my book, although I can see how it could be good. Everything on this list is a viable option (well except turkey bacon.)
#7 - Scrapple - If you don't know what scrapple is, now you know. I'm from Philly, so I'm well versed in the scrapple. My mom took her scrapple buried under a think layer of Aunt Jemima's finest. Scrapple tastes just like it smells; delicious! The problem with scrapple is that it's so damn disgusting. I mean someone starts talking shit on a hot dog for being pig guts and such, you don't care. But start talking like that about scrapple, and you really begin to question what you're eating. Only for the mentally strong.
#6 - Sausage (patty) - We'll let the Gapermaker take this one: "Since it's sausage, of course it's good. But the fact is that were dealing with silver-dollar-size pieces of meat that are often too salty, tough to cut, and are so big that they take over the plate, preventing you from enjoying an otherwise delicious breakfast. Other than that, it's great!" He'll be here all week...
#5 - Canadian Bacon - Our first spotting of the B word... I consider Canadian Bacon the more utilitarian of the bacons. The typical circular slice is very convenient for breakfast sandwiches, eggs benedict, or any stack of food that you want to liven up. But in the end it's simply just a poor excuse for nondenominational Bacon. Only north-of-the-border bacon that I partake in is Mo Pete's trillest.
#4 - Steak - I don't eat steak and eggs that often, but it still makes #4 on the list. Why? First off, we could do a whole other column on the tastiness of steak, I don't think we have to argue the merits of a NY Strip. But steak for breakfast... it's decadent. It's like when you get a mimosa at brunch. Yeah there's too much juice, yeah its like 2 bucks, yeah it's mostly a cheap excuse to drink in the morning, but your drinking fucking champagne for breakfast. It's ballin. Same with steak for breakfast. You just lost 500 bones in the casino, roll into the one diner-esque place, buy the 5.99 steak and eggs, you might as well have won 10 grand.
#3 - Sausage (links) - Sausage, as it was meant to be served. Works great on the plate (what other side doesn't have to sit on top of the pancakes?) Tastes great plain, works well with syrup, fantastic chopped up in omelets, and from Jimmy Dean up to butcher fresh, the varieties are endless. Sausage is worthy of the top three.
#2 - Pork Roll - Another nor'easter, Pork Roll is some badass meat. Tastes like bacon, looks like ham, curls up a little when cooked so you can use it as an edible utensil to eat eggs with (don't knock it unless you've tried it!) I prefer Taylor Pork Roll personally. The mystery meat factor is not enough to scare, more like just enough to intrigue. Bottom line, Pork roll is the best alternative to our winner if you want something with similar quality of taste yet completely different eating experience. But if you want the best, you want that great fucking breakfast that will put you right back to sleep, make you happy you didn't eat that old cheesesteak at 4 in the morning, you go right for the king....
#1 - Bacon - There is no denying Bacon's supremecy. Everyone loves Bacon. Even vegetarians love bacon (most will openly admit to this.) I once tried to eat a whole package of bacon. It was glorious. If bacon could talk, it would refer to itself in the third person. "Bacon is the greatest! Bacon is the tastiest! Bacon gave Sausage Patty a strawberry shortcake last night!" Long live the king, cause lord knows the rest of us won't.
Then I started thinking about how that might not mesh well with the pork roll and cheese I had late last night... Then (and here's the important part) I started thinking about what my favorite breakfast meat is. Seems like a simple question, seeing as by my count there are really only 9 breakfast meats. But they're all so damn good! After some deep thought, consultation with the Gapermaker, and a lot of meat, I think I've made up my mind. In reverse order:#9 - Turkey Bacon - OK this was actually a test of how closely you're paying attention. Turkey bacon isn't a meat, it's a farce. Gapermaker's comment? "That shit don't count."
#8 - Ham - Ham is good, don't get me wrong. Nothing beats a finely glazed ham on Christmas, Easter, some sort of formal event. But for breakfast? I do not like my eggs with ham. Ham is strictly a dinner item in my book, although I can see how it could be good. Everything on this list is a viable option (well except turkey bacon.)
#7 - Scrapple - If you don't know what scrapple is, now you know. I'm from Philly, so I'm well versed in the scrapple. My mom took her scrapple buried under a think layer of Aunt Jemima's finest. Scrapple tastes just like it smells; delicious! The problem with scrapple is that it's so damn disgusting. I mean someone starts talking shit on a hot dog for being pig guts and such, you don't care. But start talking like that about scrapple, and you really begin to question what you're eating. Only for the mentally strong.
#6 - Sausage (patty) - We'll let the Gapermaker take this one: "Since it's sausage, of course it's good. But the fact is that were dealing with silver-dollar-size pieces of meat that are often too salty, tough to cut, and are so big that they take over the plate, preventing you from enjoying an otherwise delicious breakfast. Other than that, it's great!" He'll be here all week...
#5 - Canadian Bacon - Our first spotting of the B word... I consider Canadian Bacon the more utilitarian of the bacons. The typical circular slice is very convenient for breakfast sandwiches, eggs benedict, or any stack of food that you want to liven up. But in the end it's simply just a poor excuse for nondenominational Bacon. Only north-of-the-border bacon that I partake in is Mo Pete's trillest.
#4 - Steak - I don't eat steak and eggs that often, but it still makes #4 on the list. Why? First off, we could do a whole other column on the tastiness of steak, I don't think we have to argue the merits of a NY Strip. But steak for breakfast... it's decadent. It's like when you get a mimosa at brunch. Yeah there's too much juice, yeah its like 2 bucks, yeah it's mostly a cheap excuse to drink in the morning, but your drinking fucking champagne for breakfast. It's ballin. Same with steak for breakfast. You just lost 500 bones in the casino, roll into the one diner-esque place, buy the 5.99 steak and eggs, you might as well have won 10 grand.
#3 - Sausage (links) - Sausage, as it was meant to be served. Works great on the plate (what other side doesn't have to sit on top of the pancakes?) Tastes great plain, works well with syrup, fantastic chopped up in omelets, and from Jimmy Dean up to butcher fresh, the varieties are endless. Sausage is worthy of the top three.
#2 - Pork Roll - Another nor'easter, Pork Roll is some badass meat. Tastes like bacon, looks like ham, curls up a little when cooked so you can use it as an edible utensil to eat eggs with (don't knock it unless you've tried it!) I prefer Taylor Pork Roll personally. The mystery meat factor is not enough to scare, more like just enough to intrigue. Bottom line, Pork roll is the best alternative to our winner if you want something with similar quality of taste yet completely different eating experience. But if you want the best, you want that great fucking breakfast that will put you right back to sleep, make you happy you didn't eat that old cheesesteak at 4 in the morning, you go right for the king....
#1 - Bacon - There is no denying Bacon's supremecy. Everyone loves Bacon. Even vegetarians love bacon (most will openly admit to this.) I once tried to eat a whole package of bacon. It was glorious. If bacon could talk, it would refer to itself in the third person. "Bacon is the greatest! Bacon is the tastiest! Bacon gave Sausage Patty a strawberry shortcake last night!" Long live the king, cause lord knows the rest of us won't.
# posted by Cite @ 8:48:00 PM 
